That was as rude as it could possibly get. I haven’t really hung out with you in three weeks, so we decided I’d stay the night and we’d catch up. Your boyfriend drove us to your house, and came in. When I sat down to watch t.v, you pretty much sat next to me gave me a dirty look and told me to go in the other room. So right now I’m doing this and texting people, so that you can have sex. So much for hanging out. I could be doing this at my house.

I should be happy. I should be excited for all that’s going on. I’m in school, working, going to the gym. I’ve made new friends, and have acquired some what of a social life. But here I am…laying in bed crying my eyes out to the point where I feel like I’m going to throw up, and do something stupid. I feel empty. I always feel empty. Like I’m going through the motions daily watching someone else go through my life. I don’t feel like myself. I cut again, so I broke promises to people who I told I wouldn’t. I tried to kill myself again. And each day…each day I pretend that I’m happy, and I must put on such a great show for people to believe it. But the truth is I’m not. I’m not happy. I’m not even remotely happy. I moved to get away from the negative things. But I guess you can’t really run from yourself.

So that’s it. I’m on my own again, and I know you did it because you care but that doesn’t settle the awful feelings in the pit of my stomach. I want to throw up. I want to pull all my hair out. I want to disappear. You were the reason I’ve held on so long, and now what….

I broke my promise. I finally dug that razor back into my leg, and it felt wonderful. What did I have to lose? You’re already gone. I’m also working on eating this bottle of pills. I’ve taken five already. I’ll fight this sleep, and I’ll refuse to throw up and hopefully…just hopefully I’ll go away. 

I am thoroughly disgusted with myself right now and it shouldn’t be that way. I had a plate full of food for dinner, because I knew family was watching instead of not really eating like I’d planned. I didn’t want to deal with all the questions, so I gorged. If throwing up didn’t make my head hurt, or ruin my teeth, I’d go do that right now. I just weighed myself and I’ve gained a few lbs just from eating dinner. I know it’s only a few, but that’s disgusting. What I am is disgusting.

I feel like everyone hates me. I always feel like I’m too much for people. That I am too open or too weird. I have the complex that people are always mad at me so I will push people away on purpose so that they don’t do the same to me. I wish I could be a normal human being but I really can’t. That is my life. I have lost a lot of good friends because of it. And it doesn’t seem like anything is changing. It is just getting worse as i get older. 

My obsession with food scares me. It just feels like a constant cycle of starving, purging and binging. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten properly in my whole life. I’m addicted to food, if I don’t eat I feel sad and guilty, if I eat I feel sad and guilty, I can’t win either way. My diet is never balanced, I always count calories and I don’t know how to stop. I’m not thin, I’m far from it, and in all honesty I don’t think I’ll ever have normal eating habits, and I don’t think this will stop until i’m under 100lbs and lying in a hospital bed, my organs failing. All I know is, I’m trying to lose as much weight as possible until I feel comfortable, then I’ll get help. No one will notice for a while though, sometimes I try to eat normally, but it’s a losing battle. 

I just wish I could eat and not feel my weight increase. 

I made myself green tea to curve my hunger, and I walked straight to the food packages that are being made tonight and checked the calories. The first thing I thought was, “I can’t eat this. There’s way to many calories. I need to find a way to eat slim to nothing without anyone noticing.”

Who in the hell have I become? I’m not sure what that answer would be, but I’m not hurting myself by doing this so it’s okay. I’m just trying to lose weight. I still eat, so it’s not like I’m starving myself really. I’m just…watching highly what I put into my body.

I really enjoying getting naked for girls. It is a big turn on for me. Most of my friends that are girls have seen me nude. One of them I masturbated for in person while she watched. I’m gay.

Yet another day where I have to go upstairs pretending I’m extremely happy in all I do, when in reality I couldn’t care less if I just slept my life away. I’m not even psychically tired, I just don’t care to do much these days. The family will be here for dinner in a while, which means I have to go put on this facade for a few hours. It doesn’t take much effort, just throw in a few laughs and a couple smiles, but I’d rather just be left alone to drink hot tea and be swallowed whole by my emotions. I’m much to young to feel this way, but then again I was much to young to feel this way when I was ten.

I thought I was doing so well, and well now look at me. I went from cutting, to constantly sleeping, and now I’m beginning to skip eating all together. I’ve started counting every last calorie, writing down what I eat and when, and obsessing over how much I weigh. I write down how much I weigh every day, and each day I’m disappointed with myself so I don’t eat.

Who am I anymore? 
And what is this monster I’ve created?